


Reincarnation

by zmoc



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-11
Updated: 2014-12-11
Packaged: 2018-03-01 00:14:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2752412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zmoc/pseuds/zmoc
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jumping on the 3x09 spec bandwagon, with the return in mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reincarnation

**Author's Note:**

> This one wouldn't leave me alone, and I wanted to get it up before I watched the mid-season finale. I wanted to explore Felicity's history of abandonment, and how this would affect her reactions to Oliver.

“Captain Lance has a team on the way.You guys can head back.”

Felicity sighed, rolling her neck in an attempt to relieve some of her fatigue.She turned in the chair, intending to get a fresh mug of coffee.The mission had taken longer than anticipated and she was stiff from sitting still for so long.All of the missions seemed to take longer these days.

She glanced around the foundry, her eyes landing on the salmon ladder in the corner.Just over two months ago she and Oliver had had an epic fight, words that still made her wince finally coming out.He’d decided for everyone, thrown himself on the altar and left.His intention had been to return, but they both knew in that moment that he wouldn’t.Felicity had calculated the probability of the League letting him leave, injured or unscathed.It was times like those that she hated her brain because it proved that he had no chance.They had no chance.

She’d begged, pleaded.She’d stooped to trying to guilt him into staying, anything.They’d yelled accusations at each other, he’d thrown Ray in her face, she’d thrown Barry in his.Anything, anything to make him stay.At one point he’d pinned her against the steel frame of the exercise equipment, his body shaking as he struggled for control. She’d thought she had him then, known she’d cracked his legendary control.She had seen the desperation in his eyes, his desire to stay, the utter hopelessness.Instead of giving in, he’d tried to placate her.

 

“I’ll be back, Felicity.I promise.”

 

“Please don’t, Oliver.You can’t promise that and we both know it.”She’d gone cold then, knowing it was all futile.There was no argument she could make to convince him stay.She had lost.They had lost.She’d stood frozen in the foundry as he packed up his small duffle, not moving or reacting, the shock of realization washing over her. In the past, she would have sent him away with a hug, a touch, an admonition to be careful and return to her, to them.Instead she stood rooted to the spot, frustrated and defeated.He’d pulled her to him, gently as if he were afraid she would bolt, or worse, start their argument again.Then, with a tender brush of his lips to her forehead and a whispered declaration of love, he was gone. 

Diggle had found her hours later, still rooted to the spot. “You can’t give up on him, Felicity.He’ll be back, or…” The big man trailed off, stricken.

 Her voice had been rusty, her throat painfully cracking at her first words in hours.

“He won’t.”

 

She didn’t meet Digg’s eyes, not wanting to see her truth reflected there, and instead forced herself to start moving, keeping up with the motions of the day to day as they waited for word. For the first time in three years, she was waiting without the spark of hope that made her Felicity Smoak.

 

When she found his torn, bloody hood on her desk four days later, she indulged herself in one night of grief, returning to the foundry the next day as she waited for the rest of their team to return.A few days later, Roy came back looking as lost as when they’d first taken him in.Diggle returned shortly after and they took up the mantle again.They all knew the truth in the bloody scrap of cloth.Oliver would never part with it willingly, would never let that symbol of hope lost and strength gained be lost to him.He was gone.  

They went after the smaller criminals first, knowing they needed to build into a new rhythm, knowing some of them were just going through the motions.  They were slower, the battles harder, but they would not fail to protect Starling and her residents.  And if Felicity’s eyes never lit up with a smile, if she never laughed or participated in anything but conversation essential to the mission, well they let that pass too.  

A movement in the corner of her eye pulled her from her reminiscing and she gasped as a dark hulking frame detached from the shadows, the meager light revealing a disheveled, bearded man.  

 

“Felicity.”

 

Her mug slipped from her fingers and smashed against the cold concrete floor, Diggle and Roy both asking what was wrong through her earpiece. 

“Oliver,” she murmured, and she could hear Roy’s engine rev as he sped to get to her.She took a step forward, then another until she was within arm’s reach.Somnambulistically, she reached her hand out, her fingers grazing the rough beard as she convinced herself that he was real and not just another wishful dream.

 She felt the warmth from his skin and met the familiar blue of his eyes, a different desperation shining in them now.

 

“Oliver.”

 

“I’m almost there, Blondie, hang on,” Roy was screaming through the comms.  

She spun on her heel, taking quick steps back to her workstation.She gathered her things, feeling the weight of his gaze on her back.She climbed the stairs, her footfalls echoing through the silence below.The door clanged over as she reached the top and Roy came barreling in, nearly tripping down the stairs when he saw who was below.

“Oliver?”

Not looking back, Felicity left.

 

*****

 

She’d made it home in a numb haze, not remembering any of the drive and finding herself in her garage fifteen minutes later.Exhaustion had taken over and she dragged herself into the small townhouse, toeing off her heels as she came in the door.

 

She went through her routine on autopilot, not turning on the lights as she dropped her clothes in the closet, pulling on an oversized t-shirt and some pajama pants.She’d washed her face and brushed her teeth by memory, not looking in the mirror, scared of what she might see.

 

She was surprised when her phone buzzed, a text from Diggle showing on the screen.

 

“Are you OK?”

 

She texted him back, not wanting him to worry, and curled up under the covers.For the first time in over two months she fell asleep the moment her head hit the pillow.  

 

The room was still dark when she woke with a start, feeling his presence in her small room.She sat up, her eyes adjusting to the darkness as she found him leaning in the doorway watching her.

 

“Get out,” she hissed, cold anger evident in her voice.  

 

“Felicity,” he took a small step into the room.  

 

“Get out.”

 

He took another step into her room, his large frame dominating the space.She took him in, shaved and clean now, his hair clipped back, too short.His face was leaner, he’d lost weight.His eyes were still hooded, and she met his gaze for a moment before rolling out of bed.Hating the feeling of claustrophobia in the room, she gave him a wide berth as she pushed into the hall.There was a time, in the past, when they both would have relished the small quarters.Not today.

 

He sighed, bending his head as he followed her out into the living room, watching her pace in the dim light.She turned suddenly, retreating to the kitchen and busying herself with a glass of water.Anything to delay the inevitable.

He stepped forward, his voice stronger now though still a whisper.“Felicity.”

She turned and looked at him, her silent regard giving him pause.  

“Go away,” she ordered after a few long moments.

 

He may have looked the same, albeit leaner, but the battle with the league, with himself, had brought instincts developed on the island back to the surface.He’d had to be more ruthless now, had to be more quick to take any advantage.Stronger, wilder and some would say meaner.

“No.”

 

She faltered, the glass slipping in her grip, and she quickly set it on the counter.  

“Talk to me, Felicity.”

There it was.His plea.His step forward.But she couldn't do it anymore.She’d buried him, figuratively and literally, his hood in a shallow grave next to Sara’s.Sara.

 

“Is Sara coming back too?” she asked dully.

She felt rather than heard his intake of breath.“Sara’s dead, Felicity. “

 She looked up at him then, her eyes sharp in the dark of the room.

 “So are you.”

 

She left the glass abandoned and tried to make her way past him, back towards the cocoon of her room, but at the last moment he stepped in her path.She stopped midstride, flinging herself back to avoid contact.

“I’m not, Felicity.I’m right here.I survived, I came back.”He angled closer to her, the dim light pulling the shadows away from his face.  

“You’re dead,” she breathed.“You were dead.Your hood.”She broke off, her eyes roving over his frame.

“You had to believe it, I needed you to stop waiting for me, to move on.To keep you safe.”

Vituperative words clogged her throat, a strangled whine the only noise to make it out.He took a step forward, noticing the change.She was no longer looking at him, but through him.

 

“You let us believe you were gone?”

 

He reached out to her then, slowly trying to cup her cheek, not surprised when she stepped back with a glare.

 

“No.”

 

He let his hand drop to his side, watching her digest the reality of his return.

“Get out,” her whisper was a plea now, no longer an order.  She was weak, wounded.  He flinched, knowing he had caused this pain, he had broken her.

“I can’t, Felicity.I need you.I came back for you.For us.”

“You can’t be here.I can’t be here with you.Get out.”

“Not until we work this out.I love you.”

 

His words galvanized her, pushing her into a flurry of movement.She whirled to the front door, pulling it open.He moved towards her, each step measured.  

“I’m not leaving, Felicity, I’m here.To stay.” 

Rational thought had left the building, replaced with rage and anger, with hurt.

“If you won’t leave, I will,” she declared, ignoring her bare feet and attire and stepping toward the threshold.

 

She’d forgotten how quickly he could move, shocked into realization as he slammed the open door shut from behind, one hand high on the frame, the other resting on hers on the doorknob.Ruthless now, she realized.Meaner than before.She stiffened as his body skimmed hers, pressing her face into the cool wood of the door to avoid contact.His warm breath on her ear sent involuntary shivers down her spine as he bent to whisper in her ear.

 

“I don’t know what’s going on with you, Felicity, but I’m back.I came back for you and I’m not letting you go.”

 

He didn’t step back when she turned, defiantly meeting his gaze.

“I buried you.”

Frustrated he grabbed her wrist, his grasp firm and warm even as she tried to pull free.He raised their hands in front of her eyes, pulling her fingers against his cheek and rubbing softly.His eyes never left her face.

 

“I’m not dead.I went to hell and back, but I came back for you.”

 

“No,” he dropped her hand and she pushed against his chest, trying to squeeze by him.He didn’t move, his feet planted as he studied her.“I buried you, you died.I mourned you.You let me believe you were gone.Just like Cooper, just like my dad.I’m not doing this anymore.You're dead, I’m done.”

His eyes widened in shock, both hands coming up to cup her face, raise her gaze to his, like a time long ago in a hospital hallway, like a time recently passed in the foundry.

 

“No, no, no, no.Shhhhh, hey.Hey.Lookat me, Felicity.Look at me.”Surprisingly dry eyes met his.“I’m right here.I’m sorry, you had to believe I was gone, I couldn't risk it if I didn’t make it back.Please, Felicity.”

 

She shook her head, trying to free herself but he lightly maintained his grip, not wanting to miss the play of emotions across her face.  

 

“Get out, Oliver,” she tried, her shoulders slumping when he shook his head with a twist of his lips.He watched her in silence, the intensity of his gaze burning through the forced apathy of hers.With a sigh, she tried reason.  

 

“When my dad left, my mom thought it would lessen the blow if she let me believe he was dead.I was so young, but she told me he was gone, to a better place, not to come back.I never really questioned it, why we didnt have a funeral, why he was just gone.She thought she was doing the best for us.When I saw him with his new wife a few years later, it was painful.I had a panic attack in the middle of the library, thinking he was a ghost brought back to life, a twin, a doppelganger.He tried to rebuild the relationship after that, but it was dead.He’d let it die.Then Cooper,” she broke off, forcing her gaze over his shoulder.

She shook her head lightly, gathering her words.“When Cooper came back, it was the worst betrayal.I’d loved him, intensely.I’d mourned him.In truth, I’d blamed myself for his death.And for him to come back so ugly, so different from who he'd been before…He was dead and gone too.”

 

She took a deep breath, her chest rising and falling as she tried to control herself.

“So you’re dead, Oliver.Dead and gone.I can’t do it again, I can’t.I have mourned you every day for the past two and a half months.I loved you, but the dead don’t come back.So please, just leave.” 

She closed her eyes then, jerking her head against his grip.

 

Silence reigned for a few moments as he digested her words.She was pinned in place by his proximity, but he wasn’t touching her any more, just watching her. 

“I’m sorry, Felicity,” he started softly, his voice as gentle as her old Oliver’s used to be.“I didn't want to make you suffer, I didn’t want to hurt you.I made the wrong decision, I made a mistake.”

He caught her elbow as she tried to push past him, anchoring her gently in place.  

 

“Wait, just wait.I didn’t, I didn't know how hard it would be for you to come back. Where I was, Felicity, I never thought I would make it back to you.I wanted you to have a clean break, never hoping I'd be able to come back to you whole or otherwise.But at the same time, I wanted to.I wanted to come back to you more than anything, more than the island, more than my family, more than Tommy, Laurel, Thea.I wanted to come back for us.In the end, that's what helped me survive.That thin thread of hope that one day I’d be able to touch you again, hear your voice, carry on from where I’d halted us.Move forward, share a life.You kept me alive, even when I pushed you away, when I hurt you so deeply,” he took a breath then, taking a long time on the exhale to center himself, brace himself if she rejected him again.

 

“I am sorry, Felicity.I never wanted to dig up old wounds, I never wanted to hurt you.I only wanted to keep you safe, even from me.”

 

He placed a calloused thumb under her chin, angling her head up and patiently waiting for her to open her eyes.

“I’m back.I’m not leaving again, no matter what you say, no matter what happens.  I just fought for my own life, I'm not going to stop fighting for us.  I’m back for you, and no one else.”

“Oliver,” she pleaded on a breath.

“No, Felicity, I’m not denying us again.Please, say you can forgive me, if not today then one day.I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

 

She couldn’t talk around the lump in her throat, she stood there, her eyes unable to move from his.She nodded, the movement barely perceptible but enough for him to swoop in, his lips brushing hers lightly.He pulled her into his arms then, squeezing her tightly, painfully, but she didn’t complain, just squeezed him back, reveling in the warmth that was so uniquely his.They melted into each other and she gasped as he lifted her, spinning them around to the couch before pulling her into his lap as they descended.

“Oliver,” she murmured, letting him pull her closer until she didn’t know where he ended and she began.He breathed in her scent, his arms roving, even as her own hands explored, looking for new injuries, caring for him as she used to.

“I love you, Felicity, I want this, I want everything, OK?”

She nodded, a sparkle finally coming back to her eyes.She leaned forward, her lips gently pressing against his, welcoming him back.She snuggled into his warm frame and the both of them drifted off to sleep, wrapped in the comfort of each other until Diggle found them the next day.

 

It was never going to be easy, but they were both willing to fight for each other.In the end, that willingness, that desire, that deep love was what brought them both back to life.

 


End file.
